The college i choose was Heald University. I choose Heald College because they have a good business program, and a pretty good reputation. I plan to get my bachelors degree at first and then pursue my career as a businessmen. I pretty much have my mind set on what I want and I can achieve my goals at Heald College. Another reason would be that Heald is located on the island of Oahu, keeping me close to home, just how I like it.
This college will help me strive my goals in my business career. Some of my short term goals would be to accumulate over 400 dollars in the next three to six months. Once I achieve this goal I will strive for over 1000 dollars and so forth. By attending Heald, they could provide me the infomation i need to achieve higher goals such as making 20,000-100,000 dollars a year annually. By attending classes at Heald I can learn the aspects and background of what it takes to be a businessman.
Heald is like a private college which would be a good environment for me, in hopes it will keep me focused. Being in a focused environment will help me strive in my business career to the fullest.
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Well, Your ideas are strong. I know being a buisinessman means a lot to you but being a buisinessman is a very general career. you have industrial buisinessman, you got the people who sells you houses, you got store managers. If you can be a little bit more specific about your ideas then that would be great.
ReplyDelete- Your essay is waayyyyyyy too short. I litterally read this in 60 seconds. Plus, what about this essay is different that seperates it from the rest. You need the reader to say "Ohh, this is intresting, i wanna read on". Like Mrs. Sueoka said, they don't wanna hear "This is where i wanna go. this is why i wanna go. this means the world to me", etc. Make it different. make it shine.
It's well organized however.
You just need to make the esay more "You". Voice needs to be louder. stronger. Better. Trust me, you're a very..... *what can i say that's not cheery or demoralizing* different! you're a different person. You're not a follower. You're a leader, And you need to show that in your essay. Put yourself into this essay, impress everyone. Mostly, impress me. I know you can do it.
Hi Darian thank you for the comment on my blog now ill comment on yours (:
ReplyDeleteThere are some grammar and spelling errors that you need to fix (choose is present, chose is past) and "Heald is like a private college" is it or isn't it? haha
Alrighty well I like how you talk about your short term and long term goals, but that is going to change by the time you are in college, so if you wanted to use this in the future there are somethings you would have to change.
This essay seems more like a plan for the future rather than a college essay. So yah I think you may want to just add more about your goals and that might make it more college essay ish
- Jody (:
Hi Darian,
ReplyDeleteI agree with both of your teammates. Although you clearly state you college goals in this essay it does not fulfill the assignment. This is more like the original post...just say what college you are interested in and why.
This one however, is supposed to be the actual college essay.
Check on the Heald website to see what directions they give for the college essay. Or, if they don't give any, then pick a topic from the list I gave you guys with the assignment.
Gotta work fast because the final essay is due on Friday.
mrs s